Tuesday, June 26, 2007

The Paris Hilton Affair: What it taught us

Dear Diary,

The Paris Hilton Affair has ended. She is out of jail and my self-imposed, 23-day strike is over. I can finally eat again, and go to the washroom. However, unbeknownst to most, my Hunger/Washroom Strike was not the only demonstration I employed to protest Paris' incarceration. Here are examples of a few more:

  • I did not allow myself to read any of my mail. I tore up all letters as the postman delivered them. Letters from loved ones, cheques from work - all were destroyed. Never saw them. And before I could even glance at the subject titles, all E-mail was also deleted.

  • Every night, before going to bed, I chewed on an entire Family Econo-Sized Macintosh Toffee bar (without swallowing it, of course) and then did not floss, brush or even use a toothpick; just left the hard, sticky goo in my mouth overnight, wrapped around each and every tooth for eight long hours, and effectively gluing my jaw shut.

  • As well, every night, I slept in my backyard while every ten minutes, paid workmen either ran a chainsaw, a jackhammer or fired a sawed-off shotgun, just inches from my head.

What this whole Paris debacle has taught me is that I am a stubborn person. The bottom line is that I took action because I felt this particular situation with Paris required a little bit more attention. A tiny bit more scrutiny. And I'd love a thank-you card.

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