Thursday, July 19, 2007

How to buy Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1

Dear Diary,

For the third night in a row, I didn't sleep a wink last night. I'm too excited for Harry's last book on Saturday. I was just lying in bed, eyes flickering nervously when suddenly, at approximately 2:30am, I was frenzied with panic as I thought: what if Harry's book sells out on Saturday and I don't get a copy. I shouted out then, "Why me!"

MY SLEEPY-EYED LOVELY WIFE: Eric, Eric... It's just a dream. You're just having a bad dream.

I turned to her, eyes wide open.

ME: I'm totally awake. What are you talking about?

MY STILL VERY SLEEPY WIFE: All right... good night...

ME: I'm taking a cab down to Toys"R"Us and camping outside their door until Saturday. That's it.


I hastily packed a bag, called a cab and was soon on my way across town to the toy store. I was getting myself a copy of Deathly Hallows on Saturday no matter what. I wondered how big the line was already going to be. Why didn't I think of lining up days ago, I thought, wiping the sweat from my forehead with the back of my hand. Now all the decent spots are probably gone.

We finally arrived. It was pitch black. No one else was there yet.

ME (joyous): ALL RIGHT!!!

I handed the cab driver a twenty and told him to keep the change. I then sat by the entrance door, with a huge smile on my face. By the fourth hour, I was shivering, rocking back and forth, and lonely. By the seventh, I was hallucinatory, singing, talking and laughing to myself, and starving.

Finally, at 10:00am, some staff started showing up and one of the managers unlocked the door.

MANAGER (to his staff): It smells like pee over here.

I looked away, blushing.

ME: Open up already!

It's been now over three hours, and I've pretty much played with everything in the store. After the first hour, I noticed that I was being shadowed by a staff member, who was maintaining a fair distance, but not letting his eyes off me for one second, most likely thinking I was a shoplifter. He hid behind boxes and toys, and even went to the washroom in the urinal next to mine. At one point, he played PlayStation 3 Hockey against me, not speaking one word, except to tell me to stop swearing loudly every time he scored.

By the second hour, I had three staff members shadowing me. Now I have eight, and they're not even hiding anymore, but only keeping a few inches away. I kept tripping on one of them because he was so small. I affectionately called him Frodo, picking him up and hugging him and carrying him around, until a woman snatched him away from me and screamed that he was her little child. I angrily asked the staff members why they didn't tell me he was just a three-year-old and they all pointed at me and laughed. I really like it here.

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