Thursday, August 16, 2007

Inappropriately Dressed for Work

Dear Diary,

Yesterday, at 4:31pm, I got called into my boss Sheila's office. I sat across from her as she stared at me from behind her desk.

SHEILA: What you're wearing today might be considered inappropriate.

ME: Really? What's wrong with it?

SHEILA: Well, for starters, you're wearing a T-shirt. You should be wearing a shirt and tie.

ME: My bad.

SHEILA: And what's written on your T-shirt... it's upsetting people.

ME: Oh. I wasn't aware. This T-shirt was given to me as a Christmas present.

SHEILA: It says I hate Derek. Derek... doesn't really know what to make of it.

ME: Must be a popular T-shirt. Big seller, I guess.

SHEILA: It's handwritten in black marker. And Derek is spelled wrong. You have two K's and three R's.

ME: It was given to me that way. Probably an import.

SHEILA: Who gave it to you?

ME: Secret Santa. We pick names from a hat every year in my wife's family. So really, I have no way of knowing who wanted to upset Derek.

SHEILA: Eric... do you hate Derek?

I paused then, as Sheila stared straight into my eyes. I felt stuck. Cornered.

SHEILA: Do you?

ME: How I feel about Derek and what's written on my T-shirt are two completely different things. Really, I don't know why Derek is making such a big stink. I really don't like that guy.

SHEILA: I'll say a word. And then you tell me the first word that comes to mind.

ME: Shoot.

SHEILA: Derek.

ME: Scumbag.

SHEILA: I want you to go home now. And I never want to see that T-shirt again.

ME: What? You don't like the color? Too much maroon?

SHEILA: And that gold medal you're wearing. Derek won that at the Company Olympics. I want you to return it to him.

I clutched my gold medal.

ME: This is the only thing I've ever won in my life.

SHEILA: You return it, and then go home.

ME: Can I ask you a question? Do you hate me?


ME: Be honest. Who would you marry? Me or Derek?

SHEILA: Get out.

ME: Would you have Derek's baby?

SHEILA: Get...

ME: Are you and Derek having dinner tonight, and then laughing behind my back?

SHEILA: I'm married. Get out. Now.

ME: Fine. Say hi to Derek for me, when you see him tonight.

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