Derek is my all-time worst enemy

Dear Diary,

I'm just so angry and worked up about this guy in our office. His name is Derek.

I hate Derek because...

5. Everybody loves Derek

Women in this office are always talking about all the volunteering he does for people who are old and stuff, and probably have leprosy. If he brings leprosy in here, I swear...

4. Derek might have leprosy

Leprosy is contagious. My arm feels tingly. I think Derek brushed up against it this morning.

3. People love Derek

Derek lends a hand to anyone who needs help in the office. He's all so familiar with everyone, and friendly. It's creepy. I Google his name a dozen times a day, just in case something suspicious pops up. I once found an article about a drug dealer/multiple murderer named Derek(!!!) (Hello! Did no one run a check on this guy before he was hired?). I made several copies and anonymously posted this article all over our office, and the post office, and Craig's List, but no one made the connection between Derek and the vicious druggie killer. I gather this killer (from the article) went by a different last name, looked a little different (racially), and died in prison ten years ago.

2. Derek acts like he knows me

I have my own friends, thank you. I don't need you. In my entire life, I'm proud to say that I've only ever lost two friends, and made three (if I'm allowed to count cats).

1. Everyone is crazy about Derek

Don't know why. Derek is disgusting.