Thursday, August 9, 2007

Company Barbecue, Part 2

Dear Diary,

So the company barbecue was in full swing in our building parking lot. All the companies in the building were invited, and starved and sweaty after participating in the Office Olympics. Three long lines of famished office workers waited on me, as I was manning all three barbecues wearing my gold medal. They waited a full hour before the first burger was served. And that's when I got my first complaint.

"This meat is all red and mushy."

I stared down at this fellow and his half eaten burger. "It's a Sloppy Joe-style burger. It's supposed to be mushy. It keeps it sloppy."

"I'm not going to eat this," he replied, as everyone behind him kept shouting their orders.

"Fine," I said, and I clutched the half eaten burger and handed it to someone else who had just ordered a burger.

"This burger's half eaten," this new person said.

"Fine," I responded angrily, snatching the burger back. "Waste food!" I threw it on the ground. "And pollute! See if I care."

Another complaint. This time from a woman. "This chicken burger is still pink and frozen in the middle."

I was now frantically scrambling from one barbecue to the next, trying to keep up with all the orders. "Chew on it harder. I'm just grilling here. I'm not here to eat the stuff for you."

Then another. "This wiener still has ice covering it."

I rolled my eyes. "They're like corn dogs on a stick. Like a corn dog Popsicle. But without the breading or the stick. They're diet corn dog Popsicles."

People started throwing up, from salmonella, which made me puke uncontrollably on all three barbecues. I think I vomited for a whole five minutes, just retching. I leaned down, opening the soda cooler, and puked some more in there.

I stood back up, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. "Who's next?"

Everyone quietly dispersed, the barbecue officially over, and only two people served.

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