Derek, the guy I hate the most at the office, had just been imprisoned in a cage by Dino, our office building technician – all because an accountant that works in my office, Charisse, has a crush on Derek but could not care less for Dino, but would care even less if it was possible. You see, everyone in our office building already thinks Dino is a psycho, and now, Derek and I were about to confirm their suspicions. Inside Dino’s dark, vast, cavernous basement office, Derek and I had just managed to lock Dino up in his own cage.
ME: There’s some cops upstairs looking for me. Let’s get them down here so they can arrest Dino.
DEREK: I forgive him. He didn’t know what he was doing.
ME: Dino was my friend first. Don’t try to steal him from me.
DINO: I hate the both of you. When I get out of this cage, I’m strapping you two to a wheelbarrow and rolling it off the roof.
ME: I’m going in the cage. He needs an embrace from a man who cares.
DEREK: You’re absolutely right. I completely agree with you.
ME: Don’t copy me. He’s my friend so I’m the one who gets to hug him. And give him lots and lots of hugs if I feel like it.
DINO: If anyone tries to hug me, so help me God, I’ll tie their arms up in a knot through their nostrils like a nose ring.
I turned back to Derek.
ME: Why don’t you go in there and hold him down. And then I’ll hug him.
DEREK: That’s a great idea.
DINO: I swear… I’ll twist your head ‘round and ‘round ‘till it snaps right off.
Derek unlocked the cage then and stepped inside.
Dino lunged at him, and they proceeded to scuffle, both falling onto the cage floor. They continued to wrestle while grunting and then letting out terrifying yelps of pain.
ME: Derek, you let me know when you want me to go in there to hug him.
Dino now had Derek in a headlock. He rammed Derek’s head against the cage bars. Repeatedly.
ME: You just let me know when he’s ready. I got a really good hug building up inside me right now, so I think we should take advantage of that. I can’t wait to let it loose on him. Just to feel all that love flowing through our bodies, you know?
Derek now had Dino’s hair in his grip and slammed Dino’s face against the cage floor. These two were really busting each other up.
ME: I can’t wait to get in there. I care so much for that Dino.
Dino now kneed Derek in the head.
ME: The thought of putting my arms around Dino just makes me feel so vibrant.
Dino now head-butted Derek – so hard that both men fell to the floor, unconscious.
There was now only silence. No one moved.
ME: I guess that’s my cue to dispense some hugs.
I snatched Dino’s knife off the floor, just outside the cage. I needed a weapon in the event Dino suddenly came to.
Dino and Derek were all bloodied and bruised, and gross looking. I held on tight to the knife, scared that Dino might awaken any second. My eyes bulged in fear.
ME: Dino… I’m coming in. Get ready for my hug.
I raised the knife over my head as I prepared to enter the cage. I hadn’t even opened the cage door yet when, abruptly, the door to Dino’s office almost flew off its hinges and Detective Vuotto, Detective Mallory, and a dozen uniformed police officers came barrelling into the room, guns aimed straight at me.
VUOTTO: Sir, put the knife down!
MALLORY: Oh my God! Look at what he’s done to them!
ME: Don’t worry about me, everyone. I am not hurt. I was just going to get a hug from this guy. And if he didn’t comply, I was going to stab him.