Someone from Starbucks called today. I've applied to various Starbucks locations around the city. This is how our telephone conversation went:
WOMAN FROM STARBUCKS: Hi, I'm Lucinda from Starbucks. I'm calling about an application you submitted at one of our stores. We'd like to grant you an interview. Are you still available?
ME: Of course, I'm still available. I've wanted to work for Starbucks my whole, entire life.
STARBUCKS: Would you be available to come into our King Street store for an interview?
STARBUCKS: Wonderful. We have a few interview spots open. We've got Tuesday at three, Wednesday is wide open, and Thursday, we're wide open in the morning. What would work for you?
ME: Oh, well, umm... Tuesday at three... yeah, I don't know if that would work for me. I do have an appointment with a comic book collector. We're just going to see if I'd like to collect comic books as a hobby. I'm not that crazy about comic books. I don't see the point, really. So yeah, Tuesday at three doesn't work for me.
STARBUCKS: What about Wednesday? We're wide open all day.
ME: What time on Wednesday do you think I should come in?
STARBUCKS: When are you available?
ME: Well, umm... I'm available, I think... maybe... well, what do you have available?
STARBUCKS: We have nine o'clock available.
ME: Mmmm... in the morning?
STARBUCKS: Yes, in the morning.
ME: Whoa, yeah... That might be a little early. I plan on spending all night Tuesday night watching the entire DVD set of the second season of Gilmore Girls. I'm really looking forward to that. That'll take all night and most of the morning. So no, I can't come in for an interview then.
STARBUCKS: How about later in the day?
ME: Yeah, later in the day would be so much better for me because, you know, I'm really looking forward to those Gilmore Girls. Sorry...
STARBUCKS: What about one in the afternoon on Wednesday?
ME: Yeah, well, that's right in the middle of my lunch.
STARBUCKS: Oh, I'm sorry. Are you working at another job right now?
ME: No, no, I'll just be at home eating my lunch. And yeah, that won't work.
STARBUCKS: What time are you done your lunch?
ME: Oh, well, I don't really have a schedule for my lunch. I pretty much just have it when I'm hungry and right now, I just don't want to take the chance that I might be on my lunch, 'cause then I'll be eating my lunch, I'll be rushing, or I'll have to cut my lunch short. I don't think that's fair. I mean... it's not fair to me.
STARBUCKS: Okay, what about later in the day, like Wednesday at four?
ME: Yeah, Wednesday at four would work. Hold on! Ummm... Wednesday at four... you see, I like to end to my day at four o'clock, three-thirty. Yeah, at three-thirty, I'm usually done for the day. I usually just quit and wait for my wife, so that wouldn't be good for me because my wife comes home from her long day after my ninety minute wait. She makes dinner for me, she cleans up and I'm just done. I'm not doing anything past three-thirty. It's just not fair for me to go to an interview at all hours. So yeah, is there anything else available? You were saying maybe Thursday in the morning, maybe in the afternoon?
STARBUCKS: We do have something Thursday morning at eleven thirty. That's the last spot available.
ME: Okay... which Starbucks is this for?
STARBUCKS: This would be for our King Street location.
ME: Yeah, that's kind of far for me. I really want to work for Starbucks, don't get me wrong, but do you think that maybe another Starbucks might call me? Like one closer to my apartment?
STARBUCKS: No. Right now, this is the only Starbucks location that is hiring.
ME: Okay. Can I call you, like, five minutes before I have to come in for the interview? Like maybe I can let you know by eleven twenty-five whether I'm coming or not.
STARBUCKS: We do require more warning than five minutes ahead of time if you aren't able to make it to an interview.
ME: It's just that I don't want to put all my eggs into one basket. And I feel that maybe if there's another job opening at another Starbucks, I'd rather have an interview for that. Or if a different company calls me. I haven't applied yet but I'd really like to work as a cashier at Walmart because they're just so cheerful and it's just so much fun to shop there.
STARBUCKS: I'm sorry, you either have to confirm for eleven thirty on Thursday or I think we'll have to forgo you as a possible candidate.
ME: All right. Can you guys maybe come to my home? And maybe we can do the interview inside my apartment 'cause then I'd be totally available. I'd be more available, even though I'm quite busy right now. On Thursday, if you guys come between... umm... 11:22 and 11:37, I think I might be able to give you guys an interview.
Lucinda from Starbucks said nothing as I continued.
ME: And when you guys come, I'll still be asleep, so I'll leave the key to the front door under the mat, and if you can just wake me up and maybe bring some of your Starbucks coffee and put the coffee on, and prepare bagels with cream cheese. Not the light stuff 'cause I can barely taste it, so don't use my wife's light cream cheese. Use my regular cream cheese. And my bagels need to be toasted, but just on the inside. That would really work for me. And also, if you guys can just whisper during the interview because I may not be able to take it if you guys are talking really loud. It's just really early in the morning.
STARBUCKS: Eric, to be honest with you, you seem like you have a lot on your plate at the moment, and I'm not sure if a career at Starbucks would be a good fit right now.
ME: Really? No, please, don't snatch this opportunity from me. You know what? I'll come over to the King Street store. Heck, why not? I love you guys. But just to let you know, I'll have to run some errands beforehand, so I might have to bring all our groceries in with me during the interview, and all of our recycling, including all our compostable waste. And I might bring my Irish cousin who has the thickest accent and he's been trying to tell me something for the past week and I have no idea what he's saying so I might need your help translating. It could take hours.