Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The Townhouse Mansion

Dear Diary,

I’ve been hanging with a slacker thirty-something dude named Todd for four months now, living in the mountains, growing beards, growing hair, and collecting dirt-stains on our bodies while I’ve been wearing nothing but a plastic garbage bag over worn-out, tissue thin boxer shorts.

A few days ago, we hitchhiked into Manhattan to Todd’s townhouse mansion. Todd is an extremely popular and successful motivational speaker and writer.

When we arrived at the doorstep of his mansion, I was aghast. And awed. The place reached up into the cold gray sky with Christmas decorations in every window.

The door opened, revealing a beautiful young woman with long blond hair and an angelic face exquisitely accented with a Popsicle cold expression.

Todd’s face lit up.

TODD: Sharon…

SHARON: Where have you been?

TODD: I’ve… I’ve been in the mountains.

ME: Sharon, you are responding to your husband from a place of material things. In the mountains, we came to learn that the material world is a road to hell and unhappiness. You were not in the mountains so you wouldn’t know this.

SHARON: Who is this?

ME: Answer Todd from your essence being. You may not understand this at first, being as how you are the kind of person who cares only about things and trinkets and gadgets.

SHARON: Is this another one of your bottom feeder “friends”, trying to leech money off of you.

TODD: Eric has been a good friend to me.

ME (to Sharon): We didn’t need money where we were. And we don’t need money now. One day, perhaps, you’ll grow to feel like we do, and not be so ugly and gross on the inside.

Sharon ignored me and turned to Todd.

SHARON: The board is ready to have you committed, and they’ve signed over control of all our assets to me.

ME: Sharon, nobody cares. Assets… they’re just things. Things to buy your widgets and doodahs and curly fries.

TODD: Why would the board want me committed? I am not crazy, Sharon.

ME: Sharon, you and this board are concerned with things that no one cares about, or that matter.

Sharon kept her attention on Todd.

SHARON: You’re not crazy? Are you kidding me? You’ve spent the better part of four months with a man in a garbage bag.

ME: This is all I need. It’s all anyone who is truly enlightened needs. I’m practically naked under here.

TODD: Sharon, let us in. We can talk about this inside.

ME: I can help you two work something out. Not financially, but emotionally and spiritually.

SHARON: Go back to your mountain.

ME: Sharon, if I had one wish I could ask a genie right now, it would be to make you see how money is making you miserable. Let it go. Trust me, your disgusting selfish self will thank me.

SHARON: Leave.

ME: You might have control of Todd’s assets but you don’t control who’s allowed inside his mansion.

TODD: Eric, I’m afraid she does. Sharon now controls all my assets.

ME: I’m just talking about all your money, and your food, and a roof over my head.

TODD: We have to leave. All of it, it isn’t mine anymore.

I pondered for a moment.

ME: None… nothing…

Todd shook his head.

I lunged for Sharon, reaching my hands toward her throat.

ME (to Sharon): I’ve been freezing in this bag for four months, you cow!

Todd yanked me back.

SHARON: Get this scavenger off my property.

I grabbed hold of her hand, and a bracelet.

ME: Just give me this bauble, just to pay off a few things.

TODD: Eric, let go!

SHARON: Todd, I will call the police.

I released her.

ME: Maybe you can just buy me a few things for Christmas. I’ve made a mental list.

Sharon slammed the door in our faces.

I turned and spied her through the living room window, marching past. I vaulted from the front steps onto the living room window ledge.

ME (shouting at Sharon): Just buy me a few things! Canned meat, a second-hand sweater, a second-hand pair of boxers!

For the next ten minutes, I scaled from window ledge to window ledge, following her from room to room, begging her to buy me stuff.

ME: You have so much money, and all I want are a few things to enjoy... to covet.

Sirens blared as police cruisers screeched onto the street.

TODD: Let’s get out of here!

I came hurtling down from a bathroom window ledge.

ME: I feel so empty!

We scuttled into an alley. When we were at a safe distance, we stopped, panting, and I turned to Todd.

ME: See you later.

TODD: You’re leaving me?

ME: You have no money. I don’t have time for this crap.

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