The Music Inside Me

Dear Diary,

When I hear a song for the first time and I really like it, I’ll scramble for my computer and buy it immediately. I will then proceed to listen to the song whenever possible, sometimes putting it on repeat for a good hour. I will also sing the song myself, constantly, in the shower, at my desk at work, during dinner, during long meetings, and when people are trying to tell me something important, like revealing something dreadful which occurred in their lives and they’re crying and needing a shoulder and I’m facing them, excitedly singing my new fave song.

I once listened to a song I liked for 9 hours straight, on repeat, before my wife told me to turn that “crap” off and “unlock the bathroom door” and “turn the lights back on” and “get to work, you haven’t been in days” and “is this what you call a marriage? I feel like I’m married to you and that crappy song”.

I will listen to a song I like so much that a day will eventually come when I’ll actually start to dread when it plays on the radio. As it plays, I’ll sometimes ask someone to turn off the radio as I cover my ears with my hands and then I’ll scream bloody murder and bawl my eyes out, screeching that someone “stop my pain!” I will then call every radio station in the city every twenty minutes to request that they NOT play the song as I continue crying into the phone, blathering on and on incoherently until I pass out.

If, when invited to another’s home for dinner or a party, I notice that they own a CD which contains the song, I'll snatch the CD, take it home and shred it in my shredder, then burn the shreddings and take the ashes aboard a chartered helicopter and dump them in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

Simultaneously, I will launch an Internet smear campaign against the artist or band who perform the song, calling them names and announcing how they are really evil and trying to make our entire planet do their evil bidding through their song. I will also turn up at all the artist’s or band’s live performances, following them across the continent, carrying banners which display hateful messages, and my own video monitor which plays a PowerPoint presentation on how the sound of their song is actually depleting our ozone layer and melting ice in the Artic.

I will usually jump onstage and unplug all their instruments while pleading with the singer to never ever sing again, for the sake of all the other artists in the world who, unlike them, really do matter, really are talented or at least are bearable to listen to. I will do this, night after night, until the artist or band concede and make a decision to leave the music industry altogether while changing their names and physical appearances.